Shortlands

Beyond the legal: understanding and addressing your emotional needs during separation

Separating from a spouse or civil partner or leaving a significant relationship is a very difficult process, even if the decision to part is mutual and has been discussed and agreed in detail. We tend to find change very hard to cope with. Life can suddenly feel very unstable, especially if the separation involves big outcomes, such as moving out of a marital home, changing how and when we see our children, dividing up joint assets and selling property bought together in happier times.

Alongside all the legalities of navigating a divorce or handling the end of a civil partnership, it is important to be gentle with ourselves and recognise that the process is complicated and difficult to undergo. It inevitably comes with a mix of emotions, from sadness and anxiety for the future to anger, confusion and grief. Here are some ways to understand and handle difficult emotions during a separation.

Be kind to yourself and accept what’s happening to you

Separating from a partner brings strong emotions, and it is important that we acknowledge that and do not feel the need to supress how we feel through a misguided sense of guilt or desire to press ahead with practicalities regardless. Take each day as it comes, recognising that some days will have you feeling stronger than others.

Talk to a trusted family member or friend about how you feel, or consider booking some sessions with a counsellor if this is possible. Exploring feelings in this way can make them feel less scary and more manageable – it takes the sting out of them and makes them feel more normal so you can rebuild your life after coping with separation.

Manage your expectations of yourself and others

Feelings can get in the way of how we want to act and behave. This it totally normal during something as distressing as a separation. Don’t expect to be able to operate as a robot and press on with things as if the separation is not happening. Stress and worry can make us forget things more easily, find it harder to take in new information and makes us feel irritable, tired and confused.

Give yourself a break and be realistic about what you can achieve, and the time it might take you to feel closer to your normal self again. This could take a lot longer than you first thought it would, but there are no set deadlines by which you must feel entirely back to normal – go at your own pace.

Look after your physical health as well as your emotional and mental wellbeing

Eating healthily, exercising and getting a good night’s sleep might be the very last things you feel like doing when you are mired in negative feelings about coping with separation. However, they are all vital to help you keep going and get through this difficult time. Not only do they help your body to heal, they give you a reassuring sense of routine and helps you feel that you are looking after yourself and working to ease your feelings of stress and anxiety.

Avoid trying to cope with the problem by drinking too much alcohol or using food, tobacco or drugs to make yourself feel better. Try to stay aware of your habits so that you can identify when you start to move into destructive behaviours more quickly and work to reverse the process.

Don’t go it alone

No person is an island, and we all need to lean on other people at harder times in our life. Choose the most appropriate people to give you the support you need. For example, your erstwhile partner may not be in the best position to support you emotionally, even if they have done so in the past and you are both still on reasonably good terms. They will likely also be trying to cope with the dramatic change in both your lives. Friends and family members can normally provide a more effective listening ear.

Likewise, look for properly qualified family law experts to guide you through the legal aspects of the split. They are far more likely to give you the correct guidance and advice than well-meaning, but clueless family members, or random people from the internet. If your children need support that you feel unable to give in full, ask teachers and other trusted adult mentors to step in and be there for them as another trusted listening ear.

 Filter By Category

Recent Post

BOOK AN APPOINTMENT

Please fill the form below to arrange your fixed cost initial appointment.

    REQUEST A CALL BACK

    Please fill the form below to request a free call back: